Sorry, are you asking how to write custom ruby code without having to read any ruby? I'm afraid that's not a path toward anything like success. There are a number of handlers available on the Supermarket and GitHub that you might be able to configure without needing to write much more than some configuration. Of course, hosted Chef and Enterprise Chef running on premise both include reporting features out-of-the-box, too. If you truly want a "poor man's solution," that's customized exactly as you like, it's going to require an investment. Research and try some of the available solutions to see if they suit your needs. If not, you'll likely have to read and experiment with some ruby. Good luck! -- Nathen Harvey
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